I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
