Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
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