Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
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