im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I just googled if crying burns calories
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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