my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
