Whatcha textin bout Willis?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
