I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
