I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
