I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
