Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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