Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
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