My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
