I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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