my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
where am i from again
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Randomize
