yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
