You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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