I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
