why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
