when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
