Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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