she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
