So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
