so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
