mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
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