im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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