why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize