he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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