Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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