it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Hippo gnu deer
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
