So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
