We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
