So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
