tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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