i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
