I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
