if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
