just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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