Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
She said her name was "party"
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
