Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
