in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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