Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
