my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
