On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
