from now on my penis is your penis
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
