How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
