Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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