Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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