i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
