i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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