Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
