just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
